Renunciation and Social Interactions

Front Page Forums Dharma Practice in Daily Life Renunciation and Social Interactions

This topic contains 7 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Samuel 6 years, 5 months ago.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1997

    Samuel
    Member

    I am confused as to how I am supposed to renounce entertainment, indulgence in craving, and useless chatter without becoming antisocial. Any suggestions?

    Thank You
    Sam

    #1998

    Ted Lemon
    Member

    Renunciation doesn’t mean that you stop doing things you enjoy. It means that you let go of the idea that doing things you want to do will make you happy, and that avoiding things you want to avoid will prevent you from being unhappy.

    As a consequence of this, your habits may well change, but it’s the understanding that’s the core of renunciation, not the change in habit. Of course, you can practice renunciation by deliberately giving up on things you enjoy, but that may just make you miserable and put you off of real renunciation.

    #1999

    Samuel
    Member

    Hello Ted,

    Thank you for the reply. I am aware that renunciation is not about giving up things that I find enjoyable. I have found in my own experience however that mindless entertainment, sense indulgence, and useless chatter harm the quality of my life more than they help it. I am renouncing these things not because someone told me to but because I have found through my own experience that I am happier without them.

    But I am trying to figure out how to spend time with people who value these things strongly without it feeling like I am wasting my time.

    #2000

    ward
    Member

    Look for friends who share your preferences. A few close relationships is plenty. Friends who are comfortable just sitting around saying nothing.

    As for your old friends, you don’t have to break with them overtly. Just quit participating in the mindless stuff day to day. Show up at a party every now and then, shake everyone’s hand, and feel the love. You don’t have to know which football teams are on the HD TV screen.

    #2013

    Anonymous

    Samuel,

    The concept of “renunciation” is dangerous to one’s mental health, if taken outside the structures and regulation of a formal religious lifestyle. It can prompt guilt and self-loathing, when taken outside of a functioning structural context. (Renunciation: the formal rejection of something, typically a belief, claim, or course of action; from the Latin, to speak out against). The obvious historical instance is Gandhi, who became a national hero, but on a personal level he was a complete mess of guilts and compulsions. Not unusual for “spiritual leaders”.

    In regard to social relationships, I suggest a very private and systematic self-assessment. Next time you feel the need for companionship, instead make a pot of tea or coffee and review your relationships one at a time, kinfolk and friendships and acquaintances. Which relationships make you feel better about yourself and more attuned that you know what you are doing with your life? Make lists and review every person’s effect on you. Which people in your life are helpful to others, and which people more obviously need to use their relationships to fulfill their own needs?

    Then consider how the other person regards you. Where I come from, it is said that “A Gentleman does not discuss politics, religion or sex.” You may not adopt such a standard for yourself, but it gives you a good way to analyze the texture and quality of your conversations with others. Does your presence reaffirm and uplift others? If not, why not? If you opened yourself more to others, how would that make you feel?

    You will often find that your closest relationships (especially the kin, especially parents) have a mixed effect on you. The point is not to make judgments on people, but to develop tools for awareness. Ultimately go to page 258 of TMI.

    Good Luck!

    #2180

    Samuel
    Member

    What I want from this topic are strategies for using social interactions to cultivate wholesome qualities. I am well aware that renunciation has to be regulated.

    #2183

    Michael Dunn
    Member

    Hello, Samuel

    Social interactions are unique to each person, and I can see in my life how they have changed over time and where I live and who I am with- there has been no constant. I wouldn’t dare try to tell you how to interact socially. I gather you can figure out the wholesome bit of just doing good and being happy about it.

    My suggestion for a ‘strategy’ would be to simply try out different things and see how you and your world responds to it. Experiment. Set out an intention for your interactions and then evaluate it at the day’s end – did it work or not? How do I feel now? Am I wasting my time with others? Was I anti-social?

    RE your first post – the term antisocial will be defined differently by everyone, so if you feel that you should socially interact with certain people (co workers, family, postman etc.) you may feel like you are being antisocial, but in fact, the others may not see that. Don’t judge yourself, just be yourself.

    Michael Dunn – Dharma treasure teacher in training

    #2239

    Samuel
    Member

    Hello Michael,

    Thank you for your reply.As someone transitioning to the 5th stage of cognitive development (Robert Kegan’s model) I found it particularly helpful.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.