Stages 1 & 2

[Joseph GalbraithMember]

Hello all,

I’m no stranger to meditation, yet most of my life my meditation was characterized by forced one-pointed “bliss out” meditations…which I had aptitude for, but (like the Buddha) did not go to the core of my “existential dread.” I have now been studying Buddhism for some time, and found Culadasa’s book, and it’s a life changer for sure.

I’m *very* gently working to establish my meditation habit, been at a few weeks. Mine is an interesting situation, because I was born a high-functioning autistic, plus was born without my Corpus Callosum (the six billion neurons joining the left and right hemispheres of the brain.) That structure has everything to do with executive function (which amongst other things, is “where and how to place attention and to move it at will.”) Shamatha Vipashana meditation has awoken a level of Theory of Mind ( the ability to attribute mental states — beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc. — to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one’s own) within me, which is something autistic and those with ACC (my brain disorder) have extreme difficulty with…so I am *really very grateful* to have found Culadasa’s approach.

Establishing habits is something very difficult for me, if I push too hard, I cannot learn the habit…if any *factors* in my daily routines and habits change I cannot keep them up (these aren’t “psychological factors” rather neurological ones, part of autism and ACC.) Amazingly, I *have* been able to build a steady 30″ every morning, routine of meditation. I am now wanting to expand that, but am unsure if I should 1)extend the length of time of my current meditation, or 2) add another period later in the day (which, knowing me will be difficult.) I experience somewhat of a “sundowning” affect, whereas I lose both my cognitive and relational skills pretty extremely in the evening (I can’t drive, don’t go out in public and try to be social, etc) after 1830 or 1900 hours.

With my past meditation practices, it was always better to have that second period in the evening…but I’m afraid if I push too hard I will disrupt the pattern of my successful morning routine.

OK, so that’s one of my current “issues” for comment, another is this:

When I sit, I’m more or less always loosely and sometimes closely aware of the breath sensations at the nose…I am experiencing the rapid shift of attention between things in the periphery and the breath. My tendency is to want to focus on the breath exclusively, so this “lose holding of attention”, being aware of everything in the moment, has actually been quite an eye-opening for me. I do not yet find myself forgetting and getting lost in the thought stream, it seems to be happening very rarely at this point. I seem to be just aware of the breath sensations and my attention rapidly shifting between other objects and the breath, but never losing awareness of the breath.

Am I to understand correctly that I should only count breaths ONE time successfully? (Am I reading that instruction correctly) Then moving on to just the breath sensations? I am also spending some of my sitting time looking for the beginning and ending of each inhale and exhale.

I guess, I’m just looking for a critique or whatever from other more experienced meditators about what I have written here.

I’m grateful to be part of this forum and look forward to connecting with all of you.

Joseph

[Rene MirandaMember]

Dear Joseph,

I am impressed with the level of awareness you have of your mind and the world around you. Truly.
All humans have varying abilities to realize what is coming from their own interpretations versus what others are experiencing. You are not unique in that way. And you have discovered for yourself, albeit with the esteemed and beautifully offered assistance of Master Culadasa, the truth of this. Congratulations! It is my experience that many of us never make that kind of progress.
I noted you also discovered what I did, that “one-pointed'” super-focused meditation is a dead end because it does not leave room to cultivate what humans are generally lacking, peripheral awareness.
It does my heart good to see you wrote you are gently working with your practice. Gentleness is something Culadasa’s method taught me. Granted, it took a while. Yet, what a gift to yourself and the world! Again, congratulations.
It’s good to know yourself and the way your daily rhythms effect your mind. Stay with that and honor yourself. I found that first thing in the morning my mind is pretty active and not attuned to stillness. Midday and later in the afternoon are better for stillness meditation. However, when I skip the morning meditation, I am less likely to practice later in the day. At least right now. So, I find a morning meditation sets the tone even if it doesn’t feel productive. The rest of the day is more likely to go according to plan. Experiment. Explore. You are finding your way. That is a good thing. Keep a morning routine. If you find shortening the morning routine helps you to practice later in the day then make changes. It’s good to allow yourself to find a good fit for you. I’ll be interested to hear what you find out.

What you said about not losing awareness of breath sensations tells me you are at least at a level four. Try level four practices. Do not be shy to try our level 5 and 6 practices when you are experiencing that kind of meditation. We all fluctuate. Check it our for yourself. Be willing to back off or amp up depending on what is happening right now. It’s great life practice.

Generally, yes, only one ten count, or however high you can get with a few attempts, is what is recommended. There are times when going back to a ten count can be helpful to regroup. For example, if you get started and you find your mind is “all over the place”, you can’t stay on the object, it can be helpful to do another ten count. Why don’t you check that out?

In summary, I see you are doing very well. I see you are a good meditator. I see you on the way to being a master meditator. And I see nothing from what you wrote that contradicts these statements.

Glad you wrote.

Blessings,
René

[Joseph GalbraithMember]

Thank you for responding René

I’m finding it odd (having come from a “concentrative” practice) that I am almost never seeming to get lost in thoughts. When this would occur (and it DID) in a concentrative practice it was “stark” “obvious” “abrupt” the “ahaa” moment Culadasa talks about where you realize you are lost in thoughts.

My experience now (and since my last email I’ve just added 5 minutes to my morning sit, trying to move slowly and conservatively) is that I am *strongly* aware that there is almost always a dialog going on “in the background” and that while I never seem to loose my awareness of the breath, I *am* aware that my focus move extremely rapidly between this background stuff and the breath.

I imagine, having spend years in a concentrative practice, that I am carrying “baggage” from that, but I can’t help imagining that I”m “missing something” or doing something wrong, not having these sharp, and stark moments where “I was thinking, now I’m aware of the breath again.” Am I missing something?

In the past few days, I’ve noticed that my ability to stay with the breath *only* has increased (especially with the few minutes added time), yet when I am caught by distractions I don’t seem to get completely carried away by them, they just seem to be part of the “stream” or flow of attention moving about quickly.

Thoughts?

[Rene MirandaMember]

Hello Joseph,

Good to hear from you again.
Our attention naturally alternates between our object of focus and objects in the background. This is not a problem. You are just noticing them now because your stability of attention is stronger. You notice them before they take you on to a story. That is a good sign. When you find your attention briefly alternating to a thought in the background, acknowledge it, accept that it’s there without needing to investigate it, and allow it to be in the background. Over time these kinds of narrative thought and other thoughts will come less often because they were not given enough attention for the mind to tag them as important to deal with.

I’m not completely sure what you mean by something being wrong. What I hear you say is that you are not experiencing forgetting and mind wandering much right now. That is because of because your awareness is expanding while your attention is more stable. And that is fabulous. If I’m missing the boat, let me know.

You are experiencing fewer gross distractions now. Your distractions are mostly subtle now. That is good news. When you experience times where the background distractions are just subtle and not too many of them, try moving on the the body scan. This practice will sharpen the mind, eliminating or reducing subtle dullness. Subtle distractions are fine at this point, that kind of subtle agitation is needed at this point to keep your ind alert. They will lessen as you practice body scanning.

Keep us posted!

I honor you for your dedication and diligence!

René

[Joseph GalbraithMember]

Hi René,

No, I don’t think you are misunderstanding me, I think I’m not best at describing my inner experiences…so I’ll reframe what I said:

What I “think” is going on, is that I’m used-to, or expecting maybe, a “different experience” of meditation. (Thinking about this as I am writing it), the type and shape of things I am used to paying attention to, and “how they happened” I’m learning now, is SO different in dynamics than was those experienced in concentrative meditations…so I guess I’ve just been second guessing myself and there is nothing “wrong” LOL

Coming from the experience of an autistic (me) I’m used to, and attached to *stark*, *black & white* *jolting* experiences in meditation. I think I’m just now beginning to recognize and experience the more subtle, colourful and rich, and wholistic kind of experience that exemplifies awareness and more intuitive faculties of the mind…and trying to language them for the first time. Awareness (capital A Awareness)seems far more subtle than the “jolt” kind of experiences I’m used to paying attention to, while at the same time this Awareness “reaches down deeper” (if that makes any sense) and is much richer than the experience of what I place my attention on in any given moment. (I hope that doesn’t even sound MORE confusing LOL)

I have been experimenting quite a bit with following and connecting with the breath, and I find there are periods of time that I can do so without any kind of “verbalization” or words, just sort of a recognition. It is a really *very pleasant* experience when I am able to do so. I am not able to do this with labeling, that does occur as a sort of inner talk.

I must say, this practice is gently awakening within me a different “sort of awareness”, it’s all *so* very subtle, yet at the same time precious, and I feel almost like there is a tiny shoot of a plant that has sprouted on the soil and that I need be all so careful to tend to and protect it. My previous practice(s) was one of extremes in attention, etc…this is so very different which (in me) is evidenced by an overall stability I have lacked, both in terms of daily practice and life and my newfound ability to maintain it (Level One)

I’m learning to trust my (awareness of) experiences, and what they have to teach me, seeing this evidenced *off* the meditation pillow more than I ever have before.

Thanks again for responding to my post,

Joseph

[Rene MirandaMember]

Dear Joseph,

Bravo1
The kind of subtleness, serenity, you describe tell me you are finding your way sweetly.
I am glad for you.
Have you ever taken time in retreat?

René

[Joseph GalbraithMember]

I have never done a Buddhist retreat (I’ve done other meditation retreats over the years) and would absolutely love to, my means and finances are probably not such that I can, I have my two service dogs and boarding them alone would cost more than I could afford (I live on SSDI), but I really think a retreat would be fantastic!

[Joseph GalbraithMember]

I have another weird thing, about every seven days I have a terrible time meditating and give up early in the sit, but the following days are normal, but it’s EVERY 7 or 8 days, I can only get through half the sit before my mind literally starts shouting at me. Since it doesn’t carry on to other days, I just sort of note it as something “amusing” and go on to my day.

I”m arranging things so I can add a sit later in the day and see how that changes things.

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