[NickMember]

Hi Shinkai and Meshe. Thanks so much both of you for your thoughts.

I do notice quick and fast movement of attention. These quick movements seem to prevent me from being aware of two things at once (attention + peripheral awareness). I seem to notice that even though my attention is only diverted quickly, it is diverted wholly to peripheral awareness (intro or extrospective). For example, when I try to focus on both the breath and noticing the thoughts of my mind, I find it more or less impossible to do both, and it seems like I’m just rapidly alternating between the two. Or alternatively I’ll be focusing on the breath (and not worrying as much about introspective awareness), and then I notice my mind is having a thought, but this noticing is itself a (rapid) movement of attention away from the breath. All of these things happen very rapidly, and I did read the moments of consciousness model interlude (but not stages 5 or 6), so I’m not sure if they are normal subtle distractions (as they would be if I considered a timescale of a few seconds) or if they are forgetting (which it would be if I considered a timescale of half a second, as in that half a second I’m only noticing/paying attention to the fact that I noticed another thought).

It wasn’t intentional, but as soon as I noticed alternating attention, I was asking myself “What am I thinking?”. What I really meant by this is, what *is* the alternating attention I’m noticing? And then I realise I’m asking myself a question and not focusing on the breath. And this is basically the situation I’ve described above because I can’t seem to focus on the breath and notice the arising alternating of attention in the exact same moment.

So the loop is:
1. Focusing on the breath -> 2. Notice subtle distraction arising -> 3. Examine the alternating attention and ask myself what the subtle distraction is or look inside my mind and examine where it came from. -> 4. Realise in the same instant that I can’t examine my mind and focus on the breath, unless I let the breath slip into peripheral awareness.

I was breathing through my nose a little more loudly than normal (without realising it until recently) because it was easier to keep the breath in peripheral awareness while in step 4 of the above loop. So I’m not sure if I should cut out step 4, because TMI stage 4 says to pay attention to all the movements of the mind. But the paying attention to the movement is also a loss of attention to the breath in that fleeting moment, which to me sounds like forgetting, unless of course forgetting should be measured in timescales of 2-3 seconds or more.

From what you’re saying Meshe, it sounds like maybe this is not forgetting but rapid movement of attention which is fine and I should ignore in stage 4? or have I simply not yet developed the power to have attention on both the breath and my mind in the same instant?

Apologies for the long-winded explanation, I hope it makes sense, and I do sincerely appreciate any input.

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