[dcurtisMember]

I don’t know if this will be helpful or not, but here goes –

I’m coming at this from the place of a raging agnostic. Hyper agnostic. Atheism and theism both seem like a leap of faith to me. Yet, I find it impossible to accept that everything comes from nothing. I was pushed by a teacher I had been working with (a Buddhist ex-monastic) to accept atheism. Can’t do it, but I’ve always been led to believe that Buddhism and a higher power weren’t compatible.

Then I read The Science Of Enlightenment by Shinzen Young. He doesn’t make a case for “god” whatever that might be, or not. But he does describe what he calls the Source. Apparently a contaction/expansion that underlies All and gives rise to the entirety of everything manifest everywhere.

Sounds pretty higher powery to me.

As many probably are already aware, Shinzen is the real deal. Spent time in Zen monasteries when westerners had never done so before. Went through some pretty intense practices and experiences. If he claims this is the case, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Additionally, when I consider Paticca samuppada, and that ultimately there aren’t things and only processes, and that the separation from everything else is delusion created by the mind, and the sense of “I” being someone in here, in opposition to out there, then that means the idea that everything is all one isn’t just new age or pseudo-spiritual talk. It’s a fact of existence. I actually experienced it once as a teenager, but had no idea what it was I experienced. I just know it shook me to the very foundation of my being. But if that isn’t higher power, than what is?

[dcurtisMember]

Adrain,

Thanks for posting this. I too, am at almost this exact same place. It helps so much to know I’m not the only one going through it.

Thanks,

Darrell

[dcurtisMember]

Thank you Meshe,

I’d heard that these sorts of things can indicate progress, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. That of course doesn’t mean anything, it’s just how it feels.

I appreciate your input, I’ve been told before to be curious about the practice. Honestly, I’m not sure how to do that, or how to be playful, but I can try.

Thank you

[dcurtisMember]

Blake and Mary,

Not sure how to reply so that you are notified that I’ve responded. I hope you see my replies to you.

[dcurtisMember]

Blake,

I forgot to mention something. With regards to this: “I sense some dissatisfaction and expectation in your practice. Try to notice if there is any disappointment during the “aha” moment.”

I think you’re on to something. I’ve had to find and work to let go of dissatisfaction and frustration once before in the last year. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is more that is hiding in the background. I’ve come across a number of things that were hiding, but I somehow became aware of them during meditation. One thing that I *am* aware if is that there is a member of the mental committee that resists sitting meditation, as well as working on mindfulness of the cushion. It doesn’t like like these, and while I’m able to sit regularly without missing but only the occasional session, it’s always there. I sense that some part of the mental collective is afraid of what meditation has and may well do. The sense of identity has already taken several blows, albeit only minor to moderate. None the less, it seems something is on the defensive. Or maybe it’s just that it sees meditation as hard work.

I’m not sure about the expectation. Can you say something about what you see with regards to that?

Thanks

• This reply was modified 7 years, 12 months ago by  dcurtis.

[dcurtisMember]

Mary,

I would have to admit that the phrase I’d been given to use by my teacher does seem and feel cumbersome and awkward during meditation. I’m sure the ideas you suggest could be used instead without any detriment. I’m not sure the words are important. I think it is the matter of making the mind joyful as it is returned to the meditation object.

As to your questions – yes to all three. And I also use the “Relax, look for the joy” as well as “Let it come, let it be, let it go.”
Although I do count the breaths, I do try to keep my attention on them as I’m inhaling and exhaling, to the best of my ability.

My experiences with walking meditation have been some of my best. I’ll have to find a way to add that to what I currently am doing.

Thanks for the help.

[dcurtisMember]

Blake,

Yes, I mean mind wandering in the terms you described above. While there is some of the latter, at least half of the time it is mind wandering even if only briefly. Briefly meaning in the 2 to 10 second range. Of course trying to have a sense of time about anything that happens in meditation is pretty dodgy.

My peripheral awareness is pretty good, although it varies, as I expect is pretty common. I very seldom have it completely collapse, except when I’m tired, and experiencing dullness. Fortunately I’ve become pretty good at recognizing when dullness is happening. But yes, I’m aware of body sensations, sounds, and to a lesser extent thoughts.

Your response is very helpful and I’ll put your advice/suggestions into action immediately.

[dcurtisMember]

Blake,

That helps a great deal. Thank you for all of your help.

[dcurtisMember]

Gentlemen, Thank you all for your responses, they have been very helpful. Great suggestions from both of you Wiley and Malte.

Blake, I’m wondering about two things. First, I’ve understood becoming fully present with the sensations in each stage as my mind not resisting the self imposed limits of those stages. Although my mind will still wander, there’s not the mental resistance to those limits either softens or goes away entirely, and there’s a sense of relaxation with boundaries of a given stage. Does that sound right, or is being present with the sensations of each stage something else. That is to say, am I making it something it’s not?

Also, do I continue on with the four stages indefinitely, even after I’ve become able to move through them quickly, or are they eventually dropped?

[dcurtisMember]

I apologize if I’m being impatient –

Is there someone here who can give me an answer to my questions?

Thank you

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