Hi Maria
I know those feelings so well, I’ll tell you what I think it is for me, maybe it can help you in some way.
In my life I’ve been alternating between the practice and running away from it when the practice make me aware of something too painful. For example I can practice for 6 months, then very bad emotions come up, or some really scary nightmare, and it’s too much, I can’t take it, I go back to all my old patterns of running away and stop practicing all at once for months.
This feeling you are talking about is always coming back when I quit running away to go back to the practice. Actually I’m pretty sure it’s always there and the practise only makes me sensitive enough to feel it.
For me, the plexus blocked is I think a lot of aversion for myself. From self judgment up to self hatred (about what I told you, I know I have things to take care of, I should have practiced, but the only thing I could do was run, and I think also some more old and deep emotional stuff buried inside). It translate also as judging others, feeling of superiority, aversion towards unknown/random people with no apparent reason.
In one word, I’m sad. I have absolutely no joy, no love.
The grip in the throat is, I’m pretty sure of it(for me at least), the tons of tears that have to get out to unburry the love that’s under. When I begin to meditate again, I start crying again. Just here talking about it caused a burst of tears. And I feel they come from that place in the throat.
Among the things that help me liberate this is practicing metta (as instructed in TMI), talking to someone you really trust(meaning it’s OK to cry) about my life (friend or therapist), and globally trying to be gentle with myself the more I can, cause I realized I was so harsh.
Maybe you won’t recognize yourself in what I say, but try to check it.
I’ve been in a long retreat for a month now. And with the sensitivity augmenting, and talking to someone about myself, I realized I was clearly very hard on myself, not loving myself at all, and trying to hide it calling myself a ‘perfectionist’. And the next day I’m walking in the center, looking at people and I realized ‘OMG I’m hating everyone and I didn’t even know it…’ Like a sort of background feeling of aversion toward everyone and everything, always there, but not being sensitive enough you can miss it.
I hope this can help you somehow. Anyway, I can only encourage you to keep on practicing, there is so much that we can’t see or understand yet but have to discover!
[Edit] just after writing this message to you, I happened to read page 254-255 of TMI, which talk exactly about that. It’s kind of crazy how everything seems to fit in place, like solving a puzzle, while reading this book (I’m reading the book for the first time, it has been 3 or 4 days, and it has helped me so much, everyday a new understating that perfectly fits my experiences)
tjansen 5 years, 7 months ago.
tjansen.
